It is three and half years of the current relationship where it is almost at its edge and would rather to call it quits. The same month, the same experience where I have to find a new place again and to find new social groups. Yet a change in lifestyle will allow me to drive back to my constant outings and drinking. Although, now I think of it, I just don’t have the heart to repeat it all over again. I am tired and I just can’t find myself to be stable. 

I missed my childhood, I missed my high school life where I used to be constantly cheerful and never had the worry in the world. I missed them all and I wished I could just rewind my life again to fix it all back. I had so many opportunities of having a stable relationship, an almost stage of getting marry in my past relationships. However, I was always the one to continue searching for a better guy. Somehow, I couldn’t find one. 

Here I am again, all traumatized and felt it was like deju vu. A new life, a new place. I just don’t have the energy to do it anymore. They consumed alot of time, money and efforts, except my career is on the roll. How ironic. I don’t know what to think, how I feel or to plan. I feel like a lost soul that happened to me four years ago. I can’t believe I have to go through these nonsense again. Deep inside me, I have no desire in having another relationship if this is completely over. Everything I did for the relationship, it is time I have to think for myself. To learn to do things alone, without having to depend on others.

But the main important thing, to me is to have an understanding family, friends and even a loved one. THAT I found is hard. Everybody is an individual and we all have different perceptions in life. I for one, brought up in a difficult family and today, still living in a complex life. I need someone to really look out for me. To be honest, a reassurance will be a brownie point. At times, I think commonalities in attitude and career will bring people together and less conflicts among each other. However, later in life, when I encountered people who are totally opposite to who I am, I found them intriguing. Then again, I think maybe not. There are tensions, arguments, misunderstandings, sadness and doubts. I felt disheartened and thought nothing I’ll do will get it right. I used to have the almost perfect life, yet ended tragically and miserably. From that moment, I reflected how you find something so 99%  perfect can go wrong, despite the commonalities in attitude and career. Once more, I discovered the opposite attraction and things might just be okay. But I guess not. Maybe it is true that I am destined to be married by the age of 40. Gosh, I’ll be too old by then and all my friends’ kids are already in high school and I’m only starting.

My thoughts…I have several of them floating everywhere in my head. I have work that stresses the hell out of me and having colleagues who are as bitchy as me just are deadly as having morphine. I get less sleep, less appetite, less social life and less of everything else in life. I have a relationship that is like a rollercoaster which have the extremities of happiness and sadness. I have a family who been in hardships since they migrated and always possessed with pessimistic views in every agenda. And then I have friends, who really I haven’t have anyone that is close, except for one who is married and living in a different continent, are mostly either hi-bye’s; and companions for social outings. I don’t think I can find one whom I can sit down and really talk how I actually feel. And I guess it has been gradually accmulating for several years and it’s eating me up.  I don’t have the supports and I felt like I”ve committed a great crime and paying for the punishment.  A very simple one sentence that I say from time to time, which is I need happiness and understanding. Short and sweet. Happiness is when times are in a rut and can be transformed to be cheerful is truely amazing. Similarly, it goes for understanding. At the worst time, when things are understood, somehow both parties will just give in. BUT it’s just a wishful thinking, or how the TV series, King of Queens , presents the perfect analogy.